His Son Showed Up, But Then Refused To Leave

This is a true story. We participated in this case, consulting at AgingParents.com.

Vulnerability can come on suddenly for a solo ager. Aging veteran (AV) was living alone, and was trying to work out his life as he experienced physical changes. He was okay, he thought. Until he got Covid. He was very ill, but did not need hospitalization. He called on his only son, because he had no one else to look after him at that time. They were not close. His son had a temper but AV felt he had no choice. He was scared.

Temperamental son, TS, came, along with his unemployed girlfriend, UG. They provided meals and did some shopping for AV. AV took several weeks to recover, but did regain his health, despite other unrelated conditions. It was time for TS and UG to leave, AV said. But they refused. AV took to drink, his old nemesis. He began to down a substantial amount of alcohol daily, which only complicated his situation. Getting drunk made matters worse.

The Conflict

AV tried to assert himself and demanded that TS and UG get out of his home. They wouldn’t go. The conflict escalated and ugly shouting matches became a part of AV’s existence. He was frightened of his son, who was larger and heavier than AV, and TS made physical threats against his father. AV sought legal help. He initiated an eviction of his son and UG. When TS learned about it, he intimidated AV to the point that he backed off the eviction. Then things got even worse than before.

Physical Abuse

One night, TS came at AV in a rage and put his hands on AV’s throat, choking him, then backing off. AV tried to call the police but UG snatched his phone away and would not give it back. The next day, AV went to his doctor. The nurse made a written report of AV’s choking incident and also reported the harm to Adult Protective Services as required. A police report was done. But with all that, nothing happened to TS. He remained in AV’s home and would not leave.

Legal Action

Finally, despite being very intimidated by his son, AV returned to his lawyer and said he wanted to have his son removed. In his state, AV had the legal option to seek a restraining order against TS and his friend. AV was so terrified, he started, then called it off, and then changed his mind again and went ahead. His lawyer prepared the case and took it before a judge. The judge ruled that this was a case of elder abuse. He granted the restraining order. The couple had to leave.

The Outcome

Getting TS and UG out of the house was unpleasant. The sheriff came to serve the restraining order and escort the couple out. They would be given a chance, with law enforcement supervision, to remove their personal items later. AV had to take steps to protect himself following that, including getting a companion caregiver to do his shopping and cooking every day. He had to change the locks and be ready to call the police, should TS choose to violate the restraining order against him. Fortunately for all, no weapons were involved.

Changes AV Needed To Make

AV lived alone and had done no planning for what would happen if he fell ill. His wife had died in a car accident. He had no good friends. He had no hobbies. There was not much social life at all. He had participated in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in the past but had stopped. His life had been so limited that when he got Covid, he had no one other than his potentially abusive son to call. Following this terrible period, he finally woke up to the need to thoroughly change his life. He returned to AA and began to socialize more. He and the companion caregiver had things in common and they had long talks, which helped him see things differently. He got his life on a better track. This was one situation in which some good came out of a horrible time in AV’s life.

The Takeaways

If you are aging alone, avoid the mistakes AV made. Don’t isolate yourself. Put in the work and the effort to join things and establish regular activities outside your home. Find some purpose in your existence, whether it be volunteering, contributing something to a cause of interest, learning new things, or exploring something you thought about but never tried. Your connection to others is for safety, as well as enjoyment.

Most importantly, be sure you have someone reliable you can call upon if you have an illness, or injury and can’t do for yourself independently. AV could find a friend by being a friend. He was encouraged to join the local senior center, which has dozens of classes and serves lunch every day. It is our hope for him, that he will remain stable and create an entire, new community for himself going forward. The senior center may be his way to do so. His caregiver will go with him the first time.