What Can You Do About Aging Parents’ Depression?

We’ve probably all heard about the loneliness pandemic in media reports. We hear about the national mental health crisis too. No one is free from risks to our mental health, though clearly some do better than others in keeping the risks down. How do we help our elders (and ourselves) cope with depression and anxiety, two common issues? The National Council on Aging tells us that 1 in 5 older adults suffers from depression.

Why It’s Harder For Aging Loved Ones

Age takes its toll on everyone, as the aging process is inevitable and generally involves loss. We can lose strength, ability, and diminishment of our senses. For example, the American Academy of Audiology reports that 40–50 percent of adults 75 and older suffer from hearing loss. They state that “People with untreated hearing loss (those with hearing loss who do not wear hearing aids) experience a decreased quality of life. Untreated hearing loss has been linked to issues such as sadness, depression, anxiety, paranoia, cognitive decline, and poor social relationships.” Do you know someone who won’t get or wear a hearing aid? Vision loss, cognitive decline and physical pain all affect mental health as well.

Repeated Loss Is a Factor

Our aging parents experience numerous kinds of losses: spouses, family members and friends pass away, move away or become too impaired to connect any longer. Physical changes lead to dependence no one wants. A beloved pet dies. Grief lingers, and elders resist getting mental health help even in the midst of feeling hopeless and helpless. The depressed person is not able to see that any action they take will change their present situation. Family members watch, often coping with similar losses themselves, as well as seeing a once vital aging parent decline before their eyes, a grief in itself.

Celebrities, athletes, and other high profile individuals have been speaking out about mental health and getting therapy for some time now, in hopes of removing the stigma. But for some aging parents, the entrenched belief that “I’m not crazy and I don’t need a shrink” persists.

How Adult Children Can Help

No one can be helped with mental health issues like depression unless the person is willing to accept help, even if reluctantly. If you just ask if they want to see someone about it, they’ll likely say “no”. From what we see at AgingParents.com. where we consult with families, the issue of depression and social isolation is pervasive among their elders. Families notice but feel stuck when the elder refuses to address it.

Depression Is Physiological Too, Not Just Mental

The person suffering from long term depression has multiple factors going on. Their blood chemistry is altered. The body feels different. Physiological changes affect the brain, making it extremely difficult for the person to take action. Many depressed folks are unable to make decisions, even to help themselves. It is almost as if you have to take them by the hand and lead them to therapy or they’ll never get there.

Proactive Steps

Family can be proactive for the aging parent by doing some research to find a professional psychologist or licensed therapist in the area. You can show your aging parent the website, photos or anything to take the mystery out of the prospect of talking to a mental healthcare provider. Caution: it can be very hard to find a licensed therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist who will accept Medicare or other insurance. Many mental health professionals do not get reimbursement from the insurer anywhere near their normal hourly charge for services so they decline all but private pay clients. This is a nationwide problem. It takes persistence to find an available and willing provider. And if you can find a person who accepts Medicare payment, that’s a start.

Many elders have never had talk therapy to learn how to manage emotions. They may have no idea how to go about it. You can help them get started, interviewing the mental health professional for your aging parent in advance. When possible, take them to a first appointment, and then ensure that any treatment recommendations, such as medication, are followed through. If medication is recommended, be sure the prescription is filled and that your aging parent takes it.

The Growth of Online Resources

Prior to the pandemic, health insurers were reluctant or unwilling to pay for telemedicine for mental health. That changed with the lockdown. Now, it is common for people to get therapy on video calls or even the telephone. What we know is that the combination of talk therapy and sometimes anti-depressant medication can relieve symptoms of both depression and anxiety. It is not a guarantee of success to have these things but it at least provides hope that what has helped so many can also help your aging loved ones. For some, the convenience and privacy of a telemedicine therapy call is better than the prospect of going to an office to see the healthcare provider. Others are more comfortable with face-to-face meetings, so a local resource is best.

What If Your Aging Parent Is Completely Unwilling to Talk To A Therapist?

No one can be forced into seeking therapy. It is a choice. It may seem logical that a depressed, isolated and/or anxious person would want to feel better and get help but logic is lost in the context of feeling helpless and that nothing will do any good. Sometimes it boils down to their embarrassment that they can’t solve their own problems. The best family can do to help an elder with these issues is to offer respectful suggestions, and be involved in getting your loved one to the right person. You may be able to persuade an aging loved one (or any family member), or you may not. What you may see is that you’ve done your best to intervene and sometimes that’s where it stops.

The Takeaway

When you observe your aging loved one being sad all the time, not wanting to do anything or otherwise withdrawing from everything, those are signs of a mental health issue. Find out what is available to them with professional assistance. Suggest it with caring concern. Offer concrete steps to take. Personally accompany them or find someone to help you get them there. The rest is up to them.

*Gratitude and credit for a significant contribution to this post comes from geriatric psychologist, Dr. Mikol Davis. His 45+ years of clinical experience informs my writing about these mental health matters.